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Susan felt she should leave a decent interval before
she telephoned. She was desperately hungry. She hadn't
eaten anything that day, and dinner, her only meal the
day before, had been meager. She couldn't remember the
day before that very clearly but she didn't specifically
recall food. Deep down she knew that was the reason
James had been hurt. She should have coped easily with
the kid. He was small, he was amateur and if he had
a knife it was hidden away and he'd never have been
able to reach it in time. Her aim was off because she
was weak, it was as simple as that.
She felt her stomach growl. She hated to steal but
her total worth was a nickel and she doubted that she
would make it through the evening without eating just
a little. Still invisible, she slipped into a deli.
New York delis are miracles of planning. They have almost
everything you could want. This one had cabinets full
of cheesecake, biscotti, rugellah. There was a breakfast
bar, selections of soups, a salad bar, self-service
Chinese food, coffee, herbal teas, sodas, a counter
where they made fresh sandwiches and burgers. There
was no clutter but every tiny space was put to use.
On the counter there was a tiny rack of headache pills.
On top of the fridges were paper towels and tissues,
tampons, batteries, street maps of the five boroughs
of the city, and disposable cameras.
Susan grabbed a slice of cantaloupe. On the counter
she noticed some pre-wrapped sandwiches. The labels
read Ham and Brie, Pastrami and Longhots, Tuna Melt.
She looked around. No one was watching. She touched
one of the packages and it blinked out of sight. She
took it, careful not to dislodge its neighbors. She
spotted some cartons of potato salad behind the counter.
She levitated herself, allowing her feet to move upwards
until she was hovering, vertical but upside down, and
then reached down behind the counter to grab one of
the cartons.
Then she floated up to the ceiling, unwrapped it, and
munched gratefully and undisturbed, floating back to
the ground only to collect a bottle of cranberry juice
and a plastic fork. She made a mental note of the cost
of each item, resolving to return when she had money
and repay what she owed. She held her hand under the
sandwich each time she bit into it, to catch the crumbs.
Half of the tables were occupied and everyone seemed
to be in pairs. There was a teenage couple near the
door, an Asian couple with a baby, two girls gazing
deep into each other's eyes. A man in a suit opened
the door for a pretty, elegant woman. They wore identical
wedding rings.
She knew that jealousy was unproductive so she looked
for another word for what she was feeling. Disappointment?
Abandonment? Rejection? She shouldn't make herself a
victim but it was hard to think any other way. As usual
Sue was alone and penniless and almost entirely free
of prospects She had an amazing secret and there was
no one to share it with. She had never told friends
about it, partly from a fear of mockery, partly because
she didn't want to be different, and partly from an
inner certainty that she would lose some of her freedom
if the secret ever got out.
The city was flexible and tolerant enough to embrace
almost anyone, but it had never embraced her.
Oh, to hell with it. She stole another sandwich. Guilt
over James coupled with guilt about a stolen lunch were
getting her down a little too much, and she resolved
to work on her self image.
It was hard to know why things never seemed to work
out. Her history of employment was so bad it made her
shudder with embarrassment and guilt. More guilt. She
never had time for a real job so she sought out part
time and temporary jobs where the odds always seemed
to be stacked against her.
Romantic relationships were few and always short lived.
Maybe she had just chosen badly but the men she had
known had been selfish and insensitive. James seemed
just about the kindest person she'd met recently. It
was understandable that he was angry, and he might have
harbored a grudge, but instead he'd forgiven her quickly.
She knew he'd seen her vanish. He was still confused.
As time passed he would become less confused, more certain
that she really had disappeared before his eyes. Back
at the hospital she had forged a plan to look for him
in a day or two, to check how he was doing. Was that
a big risk?
When she'd finished the food she floated back to the
cash register. On the counter a small dish held some
loose change. Hating herself she took two quarters and
headed out to the street.
From a payphone she called Patty and explained that
she had just collected her messages and, yes, wasn't
it a coincidence?, she was just three blocks away and
she would be happy to start right away. She realized
that she was still hungry but now food would have to
wait.
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