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After all the distractions with Professor Lloyd and
Hector, Michael's view of Bicester had softened. His
need for revenge had subsided just a little and, in
the light of more important matters, perhaps could be
overlooked entirely, just this once. Bicester was a
sad man, of that there was little doubt, but his faults
were not within his control. Sitting on the school bus,
Michael suddenly felt a tiny bit of warmth towards his
tutor.
An hour later, sitting in the classroom, Michael's
mood had altered again, and he felt nothing but despair.
Maybe it was just chance, but Bicester seemed to have
made it his mission to spoil Michael's day again. He
stood at the front of the classroom and Michael knew,
with certainty from a source he could not divine, that
he was going to cause trouble.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he began. "You
will be pleased to know that there will be no test today."
He waited for the cheering to subside and then gave
them his carefully-prepared bad news. Any good torturer
knows that it is important to break the enemy's spirit.
"Instead, the subject of today's lesson is research,
surely an activity that every historian, however modest
his accomplishments, must master. How many of you, I
wonder, are accustomed to carrying out your own independent
historical research?"
How many, he wonders, thought Michael. How many? He
knows full well that none of us is accustomed to carrying
out our own historical research. We just look in the
text book and copy it out. Don't be so damn stupid,
man.
"Research is a fundamental skill and, like all,
skills, it must be practised. It is a 'muscle'. I think,"
Bicester continued, "that today we will undertake
a small exercise in research." He looked around
the room to gauge the effect of his words. "I would
like you to write an essay about the effects of the
industrial revolution on domestic life in 19th century
Britain. The only way to achieve a pass mark on this
essay is to go to the library. There you will find objects
called books, which are designed to be consulted. Do
I make myself clear? I will look particularly for essays
that include information that is not in your standard
history text book. In fact, anything that you include
in your essay that appears in your standard text book
will receive negative marks. On the other hand, any
information that you include that is not in the textbook
will receive extra credit."
What? Fumed Michael, silently. What? He wants thirty
of us to fight for the same books in the library? He
wants us to copy information out of those books rather
than copy it out of the text book he gave us at the
start of term? Does that mean the one he gave us in
September is no good all of a sudden? Is that it?
It was an outrage, an absolute outrage. The more Michael
listened, the more he got angry. Bicester wrote some
notes on the board, outlining his theories about the
best way to design a research plan and the best way
to filter and sort information. After 20 minutes of
this drivel, he finally came to the point. "Well,
ladies and gentlemen, I will leave you the remaining
20 minutes of this lesson to formulate your plans. Please
talk amongst yourselves. I will allow you some privacy
and return shortly. Do not be tempted to leave the room
for I shall surely know if you do." He gave them
a meaningful look, though it was hard to know what it
might actually mean. Then he marched to the door at
the back of the room, and was gone.
No one knew quite what to do. Small groups formed,
discussing the injustice vociferously. This carried
on for a while until someone gave one of those whistles
where you put a finger into each corner of your mouth.
Michael looked up and saw that it was Lea. She was
at the front of the room sitting on Bicester's desk.
She held up a hand for silence.
"Can I run an idea past you?" she enquired
of the room. "There's a very simple way we can
turn this situation around. Anyone interested?"
"Sharon Pew, the Class Captain, joined Lea at
the front of the room. I'm interested."
This was enough to guarantee a hearing.
"Well, Bicester wants us to write about something
that isn't in the textbook. That isn't very difficult.
Most things aren't in the text book. We just make up
a bunch of facts, make sure everyone writes about them,
and leave Bicester to wonder where they came from. He'll
never find them in any book because they won't be in
any book."
"What sort of facts?" someone asked.
Lea paused to think. "I don't know. We'd need
to do some brainstorming, but it could be more or less
anything." She cocked her head and stared at the
ceiling. "The Pangbourne riots of 1863 resulted
in 49 arrests. Three people ended up in Reading gaol.
Anne Bowery, wife of one of the men, petitioned parliament
for her husband's release. Meanwhile, Luddites stormed
a police station in Durham and..."
"I get it," said Sharon. "There were
never riots in Pangbourne, so it's up to Bicester to
search all the books to try to prove us wrong."
"And the more stupid detail we throw in, the longer
it'll take him to check it all. We just need to make
it sound as authentic as possible."
"That shouldn't be difficult. Someone in here
must know something about history."
They elected five people to invent as many spurious
facts as possible. Michael volunteered, knowing that
Lea would pitch in to help. After that, each individual
would write an essay based on randomly selected facts,
and present it, the following week, to Bicester.
Determined not to be beaten, Bicester would surely
spend hours chasing information that could never be
corroborated.
The plan was inspired, and Michael repaired to Chemistry
feeling like a new man.
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